Ask Aviva: What to do with a lazy family member

Posted

Issue of August 27, 2010/ 17 Elul 5770

Dear Aviva,

What do you do about a lazy family member? My family is very close-knit. We are immigrants, we work hard and we rely on each other a lot. There is someone in our family who doesn’t do anything. This family member doesn’t have a job and never helps out around the house when everyone else does. I always keep my mouth shut, even though I don’t think it is right to be so dependent without contributing. Another family member recently blew up at the lazy one and now there is a big divide. Who is right? And how can we get the lazy one to start moving?

-Carrying the Load

Dear Carrying the Load,

I have news for you. You are likely contributing to this family member’s laziness — you, and all of your other family members. Though you are unaware of it, everyone is probably playing a part, thus allowing the lazy one to remain lazy. In fact, even the family member who blew up at the lazy one is part of this cycle.

When you divide up the tasks for the house, is every family member, including the lazy one, considered ready and able? Or is it just understood that the lazy one won’t be an equal team player? Do family members go out of their way to accommodate the laziness, or do they gently challenge it? In short, do you guys act as if the lazy one has some sort of a handicap?

If you do, how can you expect an unmotivated person to push against the tide that is being generated by the family? This family member needs your help to be included. Not judged, not lectured, not belittled. Just included.

And included in baby steps. Picture this: you are washing the dishes. Your spouse is drying. Your spouse hands a spoon to the lazy one and says, “Do you mind putting this in the drawer?” You don’t look up from the dishes and your spouse immediately turns back to the wet utensils. It’s all done very smoothly so that the lazy one is duped into thinking that this is what is expected. It is done so subtly that the lazy one doesn’t feel the anxiety of everyone watching.

You know, I just realized that I am perpetuating the problem as well. I keep referring to the individual as “the lazy one.” The more we call someone something, the more we expect them to be that thing we call them. I should change the “lazy one” to “the one needing assistance,” or “the one in need of a boost.”

There is a solution-focused therapeutic technique called “finding the exception.” If you have a problem with something, it is likely to happen a lot (otherwise you probably wouldn’t consider it a problem). The thing is, there are a few times in your life when this problem does not happen. What was different about the time that wasn’t problematic than the time that was? What variable exists during the non-problem time that does not exist during the problem time? This variable is the key to the solution. Now, try to apply this variable to future events.

Start noticing the exceptions. Is the family member peppier in the evening than in the morning? So ask for help in the evening. Does the family member kick in to gear when there are guests around? Wait till the guests come. Is the family member more responsive to a set schedule or more efficient with less rigidity? Accommodate their preferences, but don’t expect them to bend to what you think is better.

I have another tactic for you but it should be used in moderation, otherwise it will lead to more fighting. It is very difficult to implement if you have accustomed yourselves to serving this family member, or if you generally work as a team. The tactic is every man for himself. Each family member has to work as an individual, not a unit. Everyone works for themselves. If you are doing laundry, don’t scoop up any other clothes. Then wait. Wait till the family member’s clothes are dirty and there is nothing to wear. You will be surprised to see how dirty clothes can motivate one to be more domesticated. Another example: Don’t cook for everyone. Make yourself a sandwich, eat it and leave the kitchen. This time the motivation will be hunger. The family member will find a way to eat. My examples may not be relevant, so you should take my principle of facilitating self-reliance and apply it to your situation. The principle is “If we want him/her to do X, then we should not do X.” And don’t alienate the family member from the behind-the-scenes. Let their voice be heard in decision-making. When a person is invested, they will more likely follow through.

Be patient. Be motivating. Be loving.

-Aviva

Aviva Rizel has received her Master’s in marriage and family therapy from Hofstra University and sees couples, families and individuals. She can be reached at avivarizel.mft@gmail.com.