Ask Aviva: To snub or not to snub

Ask Aviva

I have worked very hard over the past few years in school; maintaining a great GPA while juggling a young family and an almost full time job. The end is finally in sight, as I will be graduating at the end of the upcoming semester. My husband has been supportive throughout, and understanding when the laundry wasn't done or we had pizza for dinner several nights in a row.

My problem is my older brother. He has been the opposite of supportive; not only did he not show any interest in what I was doing or how I was doing in school, he openly challenged my choices. He expressed his opinion that I ought to have waited to graduate before building my family. He and his wife failed to extend themselves in any way to alleviate the pressure. It would have been nice if we had at least been invited for an occasional Shabbos or dinner, but that never happened.

Now, with my graduation approaching, I know they will expect to be asked to attend. I don't want them there. Furthermore, I know they will expect to be thanked in the speech that I will be giving at the huge party my husband will be throwing for me (at my insistence, and because I've earned it). I think I will probably choke on the words. Do you have any advice?

-Successful yet resentful

Dear Successful yet resentful,

Wow, with all your accomplishments, you sound like Superwoman!  I guess this confirms that even Superwoman can have a problem or two.

Okay, the question that I have for you is: Do you want to maintain your status as Superwoman, or do you want to be relegated to a mortal earthling? From the few encounters that I’ve had with some Superwomen, I have found that they often remain true to their higher convictions, no matter how difficult it may be. In your case, this would mean to publicly treat your unsupportive brother as if he had been mildly supportive.

If your relatives who backed you up are coming to the graduation, the rules of Superwoman-hood dictate that you should extend an invitation to your brother and sister-in-law as well. If not, you would be stooping to their level by mistreating them just because you personally disagree with their choices. Sorry to break it to you, but they are part of your family.

Of course the fact that he disagrees with your choices does not give him the right to withhold his affection from you. So in reality, you would not be stooping to his level. It sounds like you don’t want them involved simply because they did not support your endeavors.  It does not sound like you are trying to be vengeful. If you were, maybe that would be stooping to their level.

Listen, it’s not easy to take the high road. If you don’t, however, you will be widening the divide between you and your brother in ways that are unbridgeable. I say this knowing full well that he is the one who drafted up the plans for this very road. But you are an adult.  You see that someone close to you has erred. Are you going to attempt to leap over this gap, or are you going to dig your foot down in anger or even apathy? I know it’s not fair, but if you are not the one to put a stop to this breach, it will continue to grow exponentially. Do you think this issue would bother you less or more if it is laden with a few passing decades and life stages?

In the spirit of Elul, find a way. I think you should invite them to the graduation. Think about it: you will be preoccupied with the pomp of the circumstance. You will barely notice another two faces in the crowd. This will be very little sacrifice on you part.

The party, on the other hand, will require a ton of sacrifice. Yes, they should be invited to this huge bash (kudos, by the way, for directly stating to your husband your expectations). If you are going to make a speech, you should either give a vague, global thank-you to all who believed in you and supported you. This will not offend them because you are not going to be conspicuously omitting them. Or, you can try very, very hard to think of one or two things that they have done for you since you began your adventure. Did he ever lend you a calculator or tell you about a relevant website?  Get creative and think of a tiny supportive act that he displayed and pouf it up a little bit. (“Calculator” now equals “Lent me school supplies one semester”. “Relevant website” is now known as “helped me with some research”).

If you really can’t go through with this and don’t invite or thank him, just know that I still think very highly of you. Balancing work, school and family, all the while meeting your goals of success is nothing short of heroic. The only thing that you’ll have to do after the party is summon a real Superhero to mend the mess of snubbing your sibling. And I can’t really do much in that department…

Aviva