Ask Aviva: Smoking husband, fuming wife

Dear Aviva,
My husband quit smoking before we ever met, and when we dated I made it very clear that I will not tolerate him picking up the habit again. We’re married about 4 years and I’ve recently been noticing signs that he has gotten into it again. I confronted him, and he fessed up right away, but I am so mad at him! I’m worried that my kids will grow up with a bad role model while they’re inhaling second-hand smoke—which is way worse than regular smoking! How do I get him to stop?

-Not Breathing Easy

Dear Not Breathing Easy,
There is only one person on earth who can get him to stop. And that is him.
Here’s how I see it: he is doing something that he is ashamed of (henceforth he did not tell you. You had to discover it and confront him).  Now you are enlightened and you both know full well that his Achilles’ heel is injured. You can either pinch the injury by frantically sniffing him every time he walks in the door. You can follow him out to the porch like a mother hen. Or you can randomly use his car to see if there’s a lighter or Febreze stashed away. These are all good suggestions to keep you feeling involved while keeping your husband from ever telling you what is actually going on.
Ready for one of the hardest things you’ve ever done for your marriage? Accept the possibility that your husband may never quit. Be gentle. If you’re not playing principal, he will be more likely to open up to you when he fails. Make it ok for him to fail. Then he will only be fighting his temptation and not his parole officer as well.
I’ll give you an example of another difficult temptation. Men who have pornography addictions can’t shake it so easily. But according to Barry Horowitz, men whose wives are on board with them and support them actually soar in overcoming their struggles. In Alcoholics Anonymous, they suggest having a sponsor—someone whom you are comfortable with, who you can check in with to let them know how you are doing. You say when it’s a good day; you say when you mess up. And they are there to tell you, “It’s ok, let’s keep going. Tomorrow is a new day.” Here, a wife who supports her husband is a sponsor that is around 24/7.