Ask Aviva: Seeks woman with mid-range values

Posted

Dear Aviva,
I have been divorced for 5 years and am serious about getting remarried. I don’t have any kids, I present myself well and have a decent job that I’m happy with.
I know that it is much easier for me to find dates since I am a guy, but I am having trouble finding the type of woman that would fit my haskafa.

I used to be more halacha-oriented when I was dating the first time around, but since the divorce I have slowly reevaluated my values and practices. I stopped davening during the week, but I go every to Shul every Shabbos morning. I don’t wear tefillin, haven’t opened up a sefer to learn in years and don’t intend to.
But the people I get set up with are at either extreme. The women are either very frum or not even Orthodox. How can I describe what I am looking for? Where can I find people like me?

-Modern Man

Dear Modern Man,
I remember learning that there are only two types of Jews: the ones going up and the ones going down. Now that you’ve made some changes longitudinally, figure out where your latitudinal position is. Meaning, are you a modern man who is very into his weekly conversation with G-d, or do you feel like your Shabbos shul visits may also fall by the wayside in a few months?
Divorce is a major transitional period that is not so settling. Once the dust settled from your divorce and you moved more to the left, did you continue to cross the lines that you never would have before? Or did the dust settle to find you in a steady spot to the left of your former self?
It’s totally normal to revamp things a bit after a marriage dissolves. But I do get very nervous when I see a divorcee going a little too crazy shedding his skin. It would point to some underlying issues that should have been and should be addressed.

Next Page