Ask Aviva: Living with parents. Again.

By Aviva Rizel

Issue of June 4, 2010 / 22 Sivan 5770

Dear Aviva,

I’m not sure if I am doing the right thing. My husband and I have been married for about 5 years and we have each gotten laid off twice. Now we both have stable jobs that don’t have much room for growth. After evaluating things, we have decided that I go to grad school. I’m trying to balance my full time job, my two-year-old daughter and studying. I was barely managing and we just found out that I am pregnant. There is no way that I can juggle everything now. We are planning on moving in with my in-laws because they will be able to help out with the baby and with carpool. We all get along, but my friends are telling me that I’m making a big mistake. I don’t know what else to do — I’m trying to better my family with a career and I’m willing to sacrifice these few years. Am I wrong?

Juggler

Dear Juggler,

You’ve got a lot going on, don’t you?

First, let’s make sure that this is your only option. Is your husband able to pick up some of the slack? Can you or your husband devote one day a month to cook like crazy and freeze the meals? Do you have enough money for costs of living? Can your in-laws still help out with child-care while you live under separate roofs?

If none of this is feasible, then yes, you are correct in going ahead with your plan. It’s not optimal, but it will be a means to an end and it’s temporary.

Take solace in knowing that you are not the only one in this situation. Thanks to this economy, many people have new academic ambitions. And thanks to this economy, many people have moved in with their parents or in-laws.

The key to making it work is in knowing how to do it. You and your husband need to have a frank discussion about the rules and regulations of your new living arrangements.

I have seen many, many families go through what you are about to go through. Some have buckled under the stress, some have retreated into depressions, and some have come out stronger and had fun along the way. I have compiled a list of dos and don’ts based on my observations:

Do:

Continue putting effort into your social lives. Keep getting together with friends, even if you don’t want them to come over. Befriend anyone your age on your in-laws’ block. Make sure, and I repeat, MAKE SURE, to have active Shabbos social lives. This means: try to go to the same shul you usually go to, get invited out for meals, sleep at friends who live out of town, and try to even invite friends over for meals. You have to do this at least once a month. Otherwise, as one of the founders of Marriage and Family Therapy coins, you and your in-laws will fast become an “undifferentiated ego-mass.”

Milk the babysitting for all it’s worth (as long as your kids are asleep). This is one of the sweet parts of the deal: let’s say you just put your kids to bed and you know that they will stay asleep. Your in-laws are relaxing at home and don’t have any plans to leave. You don’t have any pressing schoolwork for the next day. What’s your next move? Go out with your husband for frozen yogurt! This will strengthen the bubble between “us” and “them” and nobody loses. When you are living with extended family, you have to work much harder to strengthen your spousal bond.

Do your own laundry. This move is beneficial in many ways. The first way is obvious — nobody sees your underwear. Second, your in-laws will see you pulling your own weight. And third, you will be able to keep your chore-groove going for when you are on your own again. Having a cleaning woman in the house does not exempt you from this rule.

Don’t:

Don’t become teenagers. Often, parents’ front door will act as a time machine for their adult children. Successful professionals who also efficiently run their own home are prone to whining, eye-rolls and shirking responsibility as soon as they cross the threshold of their parents’ house. Hard as it may be, you and your husband have to remember to talk to your in-laws in the same manner that you communicate with everyone else in the world.

Don’t weigh down your in-laws. Don’t think that moving in will be a free ride. In the best of situations, it will be hard on your in-laws to share their space. Make it as easy as possible. If they are helping with childcare, make it scheduled and predictable. Don’t make them feel like young parents again. Let them stay grandparents. Try to do your own grocery shopping. You must be the one to cook for the kids. There are always exceptions to this rule, but exceptions should be planned and approved when possible.

Don’t overstay. You and your husband should re-evaluate your situation on a monthly basis. As soon as you are capable of being on your own again, spread your wings and launch.

-Aviva

Aviva Rizel has received her Master’s in marriage and family therapy from Hofstra University and sees couples, families and individuals. She can be reached at avivarizel.mft@gmail.com.