Ask Aviva: Israel conflict spills over into marriage; Aviva calls for direct talks

My husband and I had plans to move to Israel since we starting dating in med school.  His family lives here but my family lives in Israel. Lately, I can sense that he no longer shares these dreams. I am not sure if it is because of his relationship with his family (they're very close) or because of an ideological shift- and I'm not sure he knows either. We have 3 young children and good jobs and it gets more difficult for him to talk about moving each year. We're supposed to go in less than 5 years. I'm afraid he'll change his mind at the last minute. However, we never talk about it because other than this MAJOR issue, our marriage is great. We're both afraid to discuss it because we don't want to fight about it. Should I make him keep to the arrangement we agreed on 15 years ago? How can we talk about this without fighting?

-Missing Israel and my family

Dear Missing Israel and my family,

I love how people's love for Israel gets in the way of love. Not to say that loving Israel is not a worthy object of affection-on the contrary-it is one of the most worthy and necessary objects that we have as Jewish people. It's just that I've seen how relationships (parent/child, spouses, siblings, or even daters) can be very smooth and healthy, yet there is one issue that is taboo. Or maybe it is not taboo anymore, it is just driving a large wedge between two parties. What is this issue? The Israel issue.

Just last month I was in Cedarhurst and met a very lovely couple who was shopping with the wife's mother. They were friendly, and we strangers began chatting. I was soon privy to cute cell phone pictures of the couple's 3 young children. Being a marriage and family therapist, I can't help but notice family dynamics and interactions. This trio was displaying very healthy communicative patterns. We were about to say, "Well, it was nice meeting you," when I prolonged the conversation with the wrong question. "And where do you two live?"

"We live in Yerushalayim. We are actually flying back tonight."

I innocently said to the grandmother, "Oh, it must be so hard to live so far away from such cute grandkids." Maybe I shouldn't have been so innocent.  Maybe I should have just left it with, "Ok, well, have a safe flight!"  But either way, I know that I can't blame myself for what happened next. I didn't cause it, I just exposed it on the sidewalk.

Here's what happened: Everything changed and turned on its head. The grandmother's fangs were out. The son-in-law was alternating between looking helpless and really miffed. The daughter's daggers were shooting from her eyes. I was left to say, "Uh, oh, well, I..." Finally, when the boom was in its echoing phase, the family decided to move on. That's where we exchanged our "Well, it was nice meeting you," and as they walked away, the grandmother turned to me and said in a very loud whisper, "Tell them to move back!"

Yeah, like I have any say in this. They won't listen to you, but me they'll hear. Is she nuts? No, she's not nuts. She just feels out of control and is grasping at anything (logical or otherwise) to try to have her family live in a place that allows her to be more involved.

"So what's this got to do with me?" Well, there are similarities. Both are coming from relationships that are purportedly strong and healthy in all other regards. Both seem uncomfortable to address this issue in a strong and healthy way.

Here's the difference (pay attention): The sidewalk family is not having intra-household conflicts with this. Both the husband and wife agree, it's the mother staunchly disagrees. Unfortunately, she doesn't really have a say.

You, on the other hand, should know and hear both sides of your intra-household strife. Why? Because both of your opinions count. Do you make your husband feel safe when you talk about it, or does he get the feeling that this 15 year old agreement is hanging over his head? Do you feel comfortable to express your emotions with this issue?

You ask "How can we talk about this without fighting?" And I respond with, "You tell me." How do you talk about any conflict without fighting? And what's so bad about fighting, anyway? As long as you allow yourself to squirm, fidget, cry, feel exasperated, while keeping in check any sarcasm, righteous indignation, eye-rolls or criticism. It's ok to fight. Know when you need to take a break. Remember to see past the words and find the feelings behind what's going on (fear, missing extended family, loss of control, feeling blind-sighted, etc).

Know that this may very well be one of the most uncomfortable discussions you'll have. You may not come to an actual conclusion. For sure not in the first round. This should be a series of conversations. Look for a compromise, even a temporary one.

I don't have long-term solutions for you. Just a short-term one: Begin your conversation. Talk, ask, listen then think.

-Aviva