Ask Aviva: Is marriage supposed to be like this?

Dear Aviva,

I have been married for 13 years and I have four kids. I was looking at some old pictures from when I was engaged and newly married. I was such a different person back then and had such a different relationship. My husband and I were obsessed with each other and now the only thing we talk about is household things or kids’ stuff. We still love each other, of course, but our relationship seems so bland now. Is this how it’s supposed to be for the rest of our lives?

— Fizzled and Forlorn

Dear Fizzled and Forlorn,

Yes, it will be like this for the rest of your lives if you don’t do something about it! And, no, it’s not “supposed” to be like this. However it is very common, especially if a couple is not actively fighting the “blahs.” It’s kind of like how our bodies age. As humans get older, we lose muscle mass and our metabolism slows down. If a person wants to have the same body from his or her youth, the person must exercise to build muscle and eat well to avoid fat build-up. It’s really an uphill battle.

Same with a marriage. In its youth, there was fire — a fast metabolism. There was a force-field around you two — muscle mass. Now, the fire is flickering and the force-field has been breached by the sheer weight of family responsibilities. Time for you and your husband to join a gym! (I don’t mean a literal gym, though that can’t hurt!) I mean a relationship gym. You need to go on dates where you don’t talk about kids, money or the home. I want you to re-enact your courtship and you will see that flame grow stronger. These dates need to be regularly scheduled, preferably weekly. And they don’t need to cost anything either — a walk counts as a date. So call your neighborhood babysitter and reserve every Wednesday evening at eight.