Ask Aviva: How to deal with an empty nest

Dear Aviva,
My husband and I have 4 children and have been married for nearly 29 years. Our kids are getting older and are establishing themselves. Our youngest single usually comes home for Shabbos, and we often have our grandchildren for sleepovers.

My husband and I have always enjoyed each other’s company — in fact we always considered ourselves best friends. We respect each other and consult each other, but I find that we have stopped joking with each other. This worries me a lot because our home was always ringing with laughter when the kids were at home. I’m scared that this may be the first of many changes in our marriage now that we are empty-nesters.

I know that you are much younger than me, but is there anything that you can recommend?

“Wendy”

Dear Wendy,
Yes, I am much younger than you. I am also a bit envious of you. Please don’t get me wrong — I love my little kids so much. But having little kids makes for a different sort of life than yours.

This would be most evident to you if you came to my house. I would welcome you in, and then I would attempt to rein in my boisterous preschooler who just threw a tissue box at you, while prying my toddler off of my baby who — wait! What’s that in his mouth? How did he get this? Oh, you’re still standing there.  Sorry. Would you like a drink?

That communicative display toward you is replete with more interaction than I can typically display toward my husband.   Yet, he and I have updated lists of the other’s future dreams.  We have a plethora of inside jokes that are constantly being referenced and appreciated.

How are we able to nurture our marriage in spite of our heavy time constraints?  We are able because of our heavy time constraints.  We appreciate a quiet house.  The abrupt interruption of the babysitter’s call lassoing us home from a date disappoints us.

To us, spousal time is elusive.  I wish I could complete a sentence to my husband between the hours of 7am and 7pm, but I cannot.  This lifestyle has inadvertently taught us to “store up” conversation topics throughout the day.  We know the time to bring it up is sometime between 7pm and 7am.
But, back to you:

You and your husband are seeing more of each other.  Your kids are not around to be the focal point.  An opportunity for a conversation is there often.  Instead of promoting more connection, this cavernous opportunity has facilitated lonesomeness.

I would like to make sure that you each have separate, full lives that include things other than your offspring.  I assume you both have a fairly predictable daily routine with fulfilling pursuits.

Some things in your letter give me a very good feeling. You have key components necessary for a successful marriage:

1. You have mutual respect.  Great! Keep saying “please” and “thank you”. Keep respecting each other’s privacy. Keep calling when you’ll be late.  Keep avoiding each other’s distastes. Keep it up!

2. You are best friends. It is a given that you want to spend time with each other. This is super important in a marriage. Maintain the friendship by something simple: smile when you are together.

3. You used to laugh a lot. Laughter is so great for a marriage. It’s ok that it has toned down a bit now.  I am happy that you once had it. If you had it once, it should be possible to have it again.  Try to recreate the two of you at your giggliest.

Without the distractions and enhancements of your kids, it’s difficult to appreciate each other and find excitement in each other’s company. The funny thing about building excitement is that you need a schedule and you need rules.

The schedule: pick a time when you are not exhausted, and not preoccupied with work or grandkids. Make your first date short.

The rules: No cell phone, no email, no distractions. Don’t see each other before the date so that you can experience anticipation. If you and your husband talk easily with each other, go somewhere conducive to conversing (e.g., a picnic in the park).  If you find you have trouble engaging each other, go somewhere more distracting (e.g. a picnic in the park, armed with individual reading material).

Try to ask the other open-ended questions. (“How” and “Why” instead of “Where” and “When”.) No criticism, no stressful talks about money. Keep it light, fluffy and positive, please.

Both of you should be in agreement with the time and place of the date.  Treat it like a real date-look good, smile and use proper dating etiquette.  If you see your neighbor while you’re out, be sure to say, “We’re on a date.”

Next step:  Schedule frequent dates.  You both should figure out which day/night of the week works for your schedules.  Take turns picking the place.  You don’t even have to spend any money.  Try not to see each other a few hours prior to the date.  Then, go out together and enjoy.

If my dating tips don’t agree with you, at the very least, start by doing errands together.  Don’t feel pressure to talk to one another.  Just spend time together.  Then, let it build naturally.

Or, how does this sound: Why don’t you both babysit my kids this Sunday?

Aviva

Aviva Rizel has received her Master’s in marriage and family therapy from Hofstra University and sees couples, families and individuals. She can be reached at avivarizel.mft@gmail.com.