Dear Aviva,
I recently lost my husband after a long battle with a degenerative illness. I’m relieved that he is out of pain now, but I am having a very hard time coping now. I thought the hard part was supposed to be over, but now it seems even more difficult. I’m just so alone now. I don’t have motivation to do much of anything. My kids and grandkids are really trying to tend to me, but it’s not helping. They keep telling me that I need to see someone to speak to. I’m really not interested in going for therapy because I don’t see how talking about the past can help me right now.

-Woeful Widow

Dear Woeful Widow,
I am very sorry for your loss. It sounds like you’ve been through a lot—any degenerative illness results in a strange phenomenon of a perpetual grieving of sorts while the illness slowly takes over. Each day or week can result in another loss—a loss of motor function, a loss of memory, a loss of expressive function. For you to have been a bystander to this type of illness means that you have been processing grief while preparing yourself for ultimate grieving for quite some time.
I’ve noticed that people who have just come out of a life event which required them to shift into overdrive, end up needing a major lull of quiet immediately following in order to process it. This applies to spouses coming out of heavily abusive marriages, refugees, car accident survivors, a patient, or the family of a patient to name a few.
Imagine there’s a fire in a home. The firefighters arrive. Our hero dashes in, not even feeling the heft of his helmet, oxygen tank and safety gear. He breaks through glass. Races through the house. Gets his hand punctured by a nail. Searches. Beads up in sweat. Keeps going. Finds the homeowner. Carries her out. Jumps back into the fire. Keeps going.