Ask Aviva: Deadbeat Dad and Strapped Single Mom

Posted

Issue of June 11, 2010/ 29 Sivan, 5770
Dear Aviva,

I have a very big problem with my ex-husband. He does not pay any child support for our adolescent child. He is remarried and has four kids with his wife. How could he keep having kids if he can’t pay for the one he already has?

When we first divorced, the court ordered he pay a lot of money per week for our child, more than I actually needed. He approached me soon after and said that his business was taking a hit and he would only be able to pay half of what was ordered. I said okay, since I could make do with that amount. Soon after, he left the country and didn’t pay a cent. I didn’t hear from him for a while, and then he contacted me and told me that he wanted to return but couldn’t because they would take away his license since he had not paid child support. He asked me to sign something saying that he doesn’t owe anything, and he promised that he would pay me when he arrives. I signed, and did not see a single penny.

He has since remarried and had baby after baby after baby. He has still neglected to pay. Is that fair to our child? Is that fair to me? I am struggling to work and support and don’t know what to do.

-Strapped Single Mom

Dear Strapped Single Mom,

I do not envy you. Boy, do I not envy you!

I guess throughout this saga, you were trying to be nice and understanding. It looks like he walked all over you. More like, stomped all over you, and still stomping. Now it’s time to for you to start stomping.

It seems to me that you were pretty passive throughout this whole process. After the courts ruled what was just, you readjusted the payment amount for his sake. He saw that you were flexible and did not put up a fight and proceeded to push further. He fled, and then was stuck. “Whom can I turn to in order to help me get back in the country?” he thought. “I know! My dependable, gullible ex-wife!” Actually, it’s possible that he intended on paying the child support once he got back here and then either didn’t have enough money, or saw that you weren’t pressing him for it.

What’s the next step? Maybe you can spike the new wife’s drinks with contraceptives. No, don’t do that.

So what should you really do? Start by being respectfully assertive. Next comes assertive. Finally, aggressive. This translates into the following: Ask him to start making payments, and give him a definitive amount of money. You must give a set date to make the payment. Give him a reminder call a few days before. On that day, approach him first thing in the morning. If he has the money, great! Don’t stop at that; repeat this every week or month. It might be better to ask for smaller weekly amounts, rather than larger monthly amounts as he is more likely to have (for example) $200 dollars at any given time, rather than $800 once a month. Also, based on your past failures, he does not respond to someone who doesn’t press him. The more noise you make (albeit, respectful noise), the more he’ll see that you are serious.

If the respectful noise doesn’t work and he doesn’t pay after one, I repeat one, attempt, it’s time to make assertive noise. “You need to pay me the $200. This is not something that you can neglect anymore. If you do not pay me the $200 dollars by Wednesday, I will be calling my lawyer and things will become much more complicated for you. It’s up to you — an easy $200 payment by Wednesday, or complications.” Are you squirming when you read this? Does it make you really uncomfortable to imagine saying this?

You are just getting what’s rightfully yours. If someone smashed up your car, would you idly sit by and let the payments go unpaid? Most likely, you would not. Well, we are not talking about a car here. We’re talking about your child. You do not need to unnecessarily take on bills that don’t belong to you.

Another scenario: If your child’s teacher took all of the students on a trip but left your child in the classroom, what would you do? Would you confront the teacher? You probably would muster up the courage for the sake of standing up for your child. Taking a stand with your ex-husband will protect your child in this case as well. The direct material benefits are obvious. There are indirect benefits as well. You will be a better parent with child support paid — less stress on your need to earn lessens your mommy-stress too. (There has been some research showing a connection between high-stress, mid-to-low paying jobs and ineffective parenting).

If the threat of an attorney doesn’t work, it’s time to call the attorney. Don’t leave out any details and keep on top of things. By the way, I hope you do your best to shield your child from this drama.

As I said at the beginning, I do not envy you one bit. However, I am in awe of you, Strapped Single Mom.

-Aviva

Aviva Rizel has received her Master’s in marriage and family therapy from Hofstra University and sees couples, families and individuals. She can be reached at

avivarizel.mft@gmail.com.