Ask Aviva: Cut out the sarcasm

I was doing some thinking and just came to a realization. I have a very particular way of relating to people — I always have some quip or sarcastic retort to offer, and I realized that it’s insulting to others. I’m very funny, but I’m also biting because my humor can be hurtful. My wife and friends laugh along, but I don’t want to be hurting people so much. I feel like I can’t be serious and I think I don’t know of any other way to relate to others. Do you have any advice?

—Last one laughing

Dear Last one laughing,

Sounds like you don’t joke around when it comes to honest self-awareness. And if timing is everything, you have perfect timing for taking a self-account, seeing as Yom Kippur is in the air.

So let’s get to work. There are a number of ways that you could approach this, depending on what school of thought you hold by. I’ll lay them on the table for you and you can choose which is the best fit for cutting out the sarcasm.

Psychoanalytic/Neo-Freudian/Object-Relations: Perhaps you are hiding behind your humor. What is it that you are hiding? Did you have negative associations with being serious that stem from your past (even as far back as your childhood)? The negative association to being serious is like a wound that is trying to heal. If you are serious in a positive setting, it will heal without much scarring. You can involve your wife with this exercise and let her be a safe outlet for being serious. Define to her what is unsafe for you and have her avoid doing that. I personally am not so into this school of thought. I’m not saying that it’s bogus, I just think there are other ways to effectively and efficiently solve your problem. But if you feel like this fits for you, go for it. It can even strengthen your marriage if done properly. Try any of Harville Hendrix’s books.

Next up, we have the Behavioral school of thought. It doesn’t really matter how you started this cycle of sarcasm. What matters is that it is an ongoing, present issue for you. Something within the interaction is reinforcing the behavior. Your goal is to figure out what that reinforcement is. It could be that the reinforcement is coming from you or from the other person. When you make a comment that is snide, it is also humorous, so it probably evokes a smile or guffaw from the other person. Maybe that is your reinforcement. Is there another way to get the same reaction? Can you take up telling neutral jokes about anonymous third-parties? Can you use your wit to uplift the other person? I guarantee that this smile will be exponentially wider than a reaction to your typical comments. Or maybe it’s not the smile and laughter that is reinforcing your way of relating to people. Maybe you are reinforced by the split-second look of shock that the person shows. I can’t think of a socially appropriate replacement for shocking people (other than throwing a surprise party, or pouncing out from behind the bushes with flowers and chocolates). So if it is the shock that is fueling your bite, I recommend looking at your shoes when you make your offensive quips. This way you will not see the shock and will not be reinforced. The behavior should extinguish itself.

The underbelly of the Behavioral technique is punishment. If the first two suggestions don’t work, try an aversive technique: Where a rubber band around your wrist and snap it every time you open your mouth the wrong way until you are Mr. Genial. Ouch!

The next school of thought is one that I was trained in: Solution Focused. Let’s find the exception to your insulting humor. Is there ever a time when you do not relate to someone this way? Do you talk like this to the elderly? Or to your mailman? Are you serious with your doctor? Pinpoint one person whom you are serious with. If you can’t even think of one person, think of someone whom you are a smidge less sarcastic to. Then pay attention to yourself. When you are talking to this person, are you breathing faster or slower than normal? Are your hands open or clenched in fists? Are you focused on one topic or are you letting the conversation wander?

Whatever it is that is different with this person than with others is your key to change. Now replicate this difference when you are talking with everyone else.

And now the school of thought that is not subject to any verifiable research: Aviva’s Intuition. (Try this only if the others don’t work.) When you’re hanging out, stay quiet. Keep your mouth shut and just observe and smile. Open your mouth only if you have something informative to add. If it’s hard not to say something cutting just bite your tongue, literally (and gently). And you may get that reinforcement from the shocked look on your friends’ faces when you don’t have anything to say.

—Aviva

Aviva Rizel has received her Master’s

in marriage and family therapy from

Hofstra University and sees couples,

families and individuals. She can be reached at avivarizel.mft@gmail.com.